The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4) Read online

  Day 34

  I haven’t written a word in a week. Austin kept asking me how my progress with writing everything down is going. Apart from the morning sickness, everything is great. I’ve had some cramps, and something that felt more like growing pains again. It’s not just my eyes changing when I feel something move beneath my skin. I thought I already knew how it would be like transforming, or ‘shifting’ as Dan calls it.

  I’ve never had a full transformation before and Four is teasing me about my beast being shy. We have started to try and lure out my beast, so that I can exercise in full beast mode. I told him that I already used my Beast, but he’s telling me that all I do is harness the animal inside of me, but it doesn’t get out, not even when he pisses me off on purpose.

  I think I know the explanation. I think, deep inside I am afraid that when I go full on beast, there might be no way back anymore, for neither me nor my baby. But then again, I feel as if I am lying to myself. Because, when I’m honest with myself, I know that I will never use the anti-dote. I’m sure that if I use it I will kill my child, and even if I use the anti-dote on my kid when it’s born… it was conceived with Jay and me being Beasts.

  No, I’m not daring to let out my beast because I don’t know what it will do to my child. That’s at least the explanation I use for myself and for Austin – he knows, but Dan knows not, and thankfully it’s not showing. I must have two more months, so my time is running out with preparing for what we want to do.

  I told Dan about the plan and he is all in.

  “Can’t wait to get these into real action,” he explained, showing off his long claws, grinning with his fangs, teasing me; I know he does.

  Every time he shifts in front of me, my skin is on fire. It’s such an excitement to see him in beast form that I start to believe that something is seriously wrong with me. I get this strange sensation, a pull deep inside of me, an urge… There is no denying it, because it is my Beast beckoning to let it go and join him.

  But I am afraid of what might happen if I do.

  I tell Austin that I am afraid to lose control, and I truly am, just not in the way I insinuate towards him. Somehow, I feel as if Dan knows the truth. I’m just not sure whether he tries to piss off for my own good or not.

  Maybe I should give in and add some scars to his collection. God knows I have threatened to do so often enough.

  X X X

  Austin had a hit. Well, it wasn’t actually the first one he got, but it is the first information we can use to get close to the ones cowardly hiding their faces behind corporate names. Unfortunately the guy is just one of White’s colleagues and has nothing to do with the members of the board. I could have used Val for that… however, this comes from the information saved on her hard drive, so this guy is without a doubt still involved. Austin told us – yes, Dan is following my every step when he’s not lying down to continue his recovery – that the guy, whose name I forgot, is apparently still working on the formula, using part of the samples Val’s team collected at the compound.

  “So, there is a backup laboratory?” I asked Austin, trying to process the load of information he poured down on us, not even pausing to take a breath.

  “There has to be, but I found nothing on its location,” he answered. “It could have been part of the compound for all I know, but I doubt it, since I found emails from him complaining to Valerie about White’s way of handling things. That would also explain why there were two different billing and shipping addresses. I could identify both and track them back to one shell corporation and the code of the…”

  “Cut it short,” Daniel interrupted Austin, rubbing the bridge between his eyes, and then waved at him, gesturing that he should hurry up.

  “I think I found the address where he lives and works,” Austin came to an end, obviously skipping forward, but when he did so he looked straight at me.

  My mind was blank. I knew both of them were waiting to see what we would do now, but I couldn’t. That moment made me realize that I really was the head of our little operation.

  “He lives alone,” Austin realized that I came up with nothing, adding this very important information.

  There was no threat of family members getting in the way – or rather getting hurt.

  I felt myself nod slowly, as I tried to jumpstart my brain. This was it! We have a lead that we could use, we could get more information about the guy, and I could finally get a little taste of revenge. My mouth started to smile.

  “Is there any way that we can monitor his daily routines?” I inquired. “Maybe hacking the street cameras?”

  Austin blinked at me once and then wildly, until I could literally see his epiphany taking hold on his face.

  “If he really works there, they will have cameras there, too!” He almost shouted, making Daniel, who was leaning against the doorframe behind me, jump, since he had dozed off; and I laughed. “They had the whole compound monitored and supervised. They might be doing the same to all scientists off the compound.”

  Austin started attacking his computer and stared at his display as if we had ceased to exist.

  “I guess that’s it for now,” Daniel yawned, but made no attempts to leave and find his bed.

  “Seriously, just go to sleep,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You don’t have to follow me around like a little puppy.”

  Dan just grinned at me and I was sure that he had a ton of salacious comebacks ready, when I turned my back on him, pretending to look over Austin’s shoulder.

  Suddenly, I sensed something and flung myself around. I could swear that I felt the ghostly after heat of two hands on my hips and breath brushing down my neck. Yet, Dan wasn’t there anymore. But I knew that it had been him and not my imagination. He was still so much faster than me, although he was hurt and I wasn’t. As a result, my whole body was tense and I was clawing my own palms with clenching my hands into fists, I took a deep breath. Since I knew that Austin wouldn’t be responsive until he had found an answer to my question, I decided – quite inexplicably – to be the one to return the prank and let Dan know that my senses worked perfectly.

  I could feel myself smile when I walked from Austin’s office on the upper floor past his smaller and my bigger bedroom to the stairs. The upper rooms had been former offices and there wasn’t a real hallway, but a gallery from which the former managers of this place had been able to look down to the ground level, which was now a vast open space. Apart from the men’s room that had been rebuilt to be a decent bath with a shower, a bathtub, a basin and a toilet. The bathroom was right below the bedrooms, while below Austin’s office was the open kitchen.

  Daniel’s simple bed was right next to the bathroom, only moved aside a little so that nothing from the simple, meshed steel chairs dropped onto him. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t jump from the stairs right onto his bed. The thought made me grin, as I watched him, scooting away his slippers, pulling off his sweater and then the sweat pants.

  “Like what you see?” Dan asked without turning around. “It’s all yours if you want it.”

  I felt myself blush, and I hated it. My hands gripped the handrail tightly, as I did my best to calm down my pulse and breathe evenly. But that wasn’t the only thing about my body which was out of line and I hated it even more. I hated that my mind and body weren’t on the same page when it came to him. I had chosen to ignore it during our training sessions because exercising was fun and very empowering. Nothing else.

  “In your dreams, Four,” I gave back, rolling my eyes like every so often when it came to him.

  “All the time, princess, all the time,” he answered, almost sounding as if he was talking to himself.

  Yet, the jab hit my body hard, again acting against my better judgement. Luckily, I could blame it on being pregnant. Right then, I was really tempted to just tell him, and see his reaction. That would some kind of triumph, but right then I needed a comeback, fast.

  “And only there,” was all I could come up with a
s I started to walk down the chairs.

  Jumping down and probably crashing his bed wouldn’t be the wisest of choices when he was acting like that, again. Daniel made never a secret out of the fact that he wanted to get into my pants. And for him there was no reason not to, because my mate was dead.

  Dan turned towards me as he pulled off his t-shirt; and that was something I hadn’t expected. He had always slept in his shorts and shirt, never bare-chested. There had been no moment since he got rid of his bandages that he hadn’t worn something to cover his torso: sweater, t-shirt, sleeveless, and now he was standing there without any.

  Of course I didn’t want to stop and stare. Of course I didn’t want to take in every inch of his bare chest, every muscle, every scar. And I definitely didn’t want my body to react like it did. Restraining myself, holding me back from tearing off my clothes and jump him right then and there, was probably the hardest thing for me to do since me not trying to find Jay’s remains under the rubble.

  It was the thought of him that made me swallow and tear away my eyes, that ignored Dan’s triumphant grin when he saw what he did to me, and that made me continue descending down the stairs.

  I kept my eyes away from him, pretending to want to go to the bathroom and not challenging him with a word or anything else. And he just stood there dressed in nothing more than his shorts, watching me as I didn’t honor him with one glance and walk into the bathroom, slamming the door shut. I barely managed to reach the toilet before I threw up my lunch.

  Day 37

  My clock is ticking away and I catch myself waking up and saying thanks that I’m not an elephant close to giving birth. Today, I was thankful for the time I have been given, and yet I curse it. Today my Beast claimed its right to take over control and follow its instinct, and yet I hate it. I hate it so very much. Taking back control was a strenuous effort.

  Austin had found the video feed and had quickly found out that the scientist had the same regimen every day, which was why I didn’t want to lose any time at all. Two weekdays in I was willing to take the risk to invade the secluded house on the hill with Daniel taking the lead.

  Actually, having him to spearhead the invasion wasn’t a hard decision. He knew the procedure, he had been a soldier before and he was expendable in comparison to me. And oddly enough, he seemed to enjoy crossing my way, almost as if my assumption of him regarding me as his alpha was right.

  It was easy to follow Four, especially once he had shifted into what he regarded as his natural state and jumped over the security fence easily. I guess it was my pride that summoned enough beast power for me to do the same. But, I despised following him. However, I knew it was the right way to do it, allowing the more experienced asset to take the lead. I couldn’t help but be in awe of how he was able to move without making a sound, breaking into a secured house without tripping the alarm, and all that without giving me a cocky glance. The latter was probably the hardest thing.

  This scientist lived alone, just as Austin had told us. He didn’t even have a pet. His whole life was centered on his work; he was literally married to it. He had a nice house with far more rooms than he needed. Then again, I figured that he had his lab spread out in it. It was a sad and lonely life. Almost no pictures on the wall, all of them showed kids, some were older, others were younger. I figured that he had a sibling that had kids. What a sad way to live, yet it was the life that my future held for me, apart from the difference that I wouldn’t be alone. I would have a son or a daughter.

  Dan heard the same thing I did. The man wasn’t upstairs in his bed, but still, in the room next to his garage which was his main laboratory. Austin had been right so far. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears as we slowly approached the room. It was almost impossible to concentrate, yet alone set one foot in front of the other, yet Dan moved with the grace of a feline predator, sneaking up to the door, shaking his shoulders in a motion that resembled a wave

  Right then I was so jealous about how easy it seemed to be for him, as if he simply was switching masks. I felt very incapable at that moment, almost losing focus on our task. I followed him as quietly as possible.

  As we stepped into the lab it was extremely bright. Good thing, because a movement of shadow wouldn’t give us away. Even better, he was wearing headphones. Daniel turned around and looked at me, rolling his eyes, almost as if he was offended by how easy this was. I, however, was more cautious; I wanted the man to be removed from his table in case he had an emergency button.

  Dan made a bow before he did what I gestured him to. It made me feel annoyed, amused, and something else I didn’t want to elaborate on. I blamed it on my beast stirring below my skin. It wanted out.

  Maybe it was the real adrenaline, and me stalking, focusing on my prey. It seemed to catch the scent of the first blood of retribution. We came here for information, not to kill anyone. But my beast made me realize that keeping this man alive wasn’t an option. If we did, he would alert the ones we were after.

  I could feel it surface below my skin and taking over my body, but there was not really a need for taking the risk of letting it out completely, just to be incapable of caging it again. But then…it was so amazingly tempting to let it out when it really wanted to.

  The man let out a squeal when Dan grabbed his office chair and simply pulled him away from his work. He rolled to the other side of the room, his eyes torn open wide with shock and fear. Before the guy could do anything Dan had him by his throat and lifted him up easily. His legs dangled below him as if he was a rag doll and he opened and closed his mouth as if he was a fish on dry land. Instinctively, he brought his hands up to fight Dan’s grip.

  “Don’t choke him to death,” I told Dan.

  The first reaction to my order was him blatantly winking at me, and all I wanted was to go at his throat. But then, he placed him back down on his feet. The guy still had Daniel’s clawed hand around his throat, so he continued to try and pry it from him. Dan simply snarled at him and the scientist froze.

  “We are here to ask some questions,” I told him and his panicked stare moved from Four to me.

  I could see in his eyes that he felt as if I was less threatening and more diplomatic because I looked human. It just pissed me off. At first I thought the growl was just in my head, until I noticed the man’s reaction. He was terrified. It felt so good, so empowering, that I couldn’t help but grin. Dan’s reaction was what brought me back to reality. The way he looked at me was so...unsettling. He wanted to fuck me – there was no other way to put it – and it made me shudder. I still can’t decide whether it was from disgust or arousal. I have to be honest. Ever since I watched him slowly crawl back to the surface of life, when I heard him mumble in his sleep, I know that there is more to him than just the pleasure of being a beast, and I hate him for it, because it makes things too complicated.

  For a moment I was grateful that he looked at me like that because I could use it to hate him just like I hated everything and everyone else. I told myself that in the end the only person I could count on was me. Austin and Dan were just tools, nothing more.

  Of course the guy was too petrified once he had seen or rather heard that we weren’t exactly human.

  “You’ve been working with Severin, right?” I asked him once Daniel had complied with me gesturing him to put the scientist down.

  “That madman, no!” The man, probably in his fifties suddenly recovered his voice and self-esteem.

  Dan quickly reminded him of his position by squeezing his throat.

  “You are working for Rook then?” I inquired, after pulling over a second chair and straddling it, leaning onto the back rest.

  The scientist fell silent and stared at me for a few moments. He almost appeared as if he was studying me so I kicked one of his chair’s rolls, snapping him out of it.

  “I might seem nice and sweet to you, because I’m not looking like him,” I pointed at Daniel, who bared his fangs the second the scientist looked at him. “But you are
mistaken.” His attention returned to me. “Severin had me kidnapped, tortured, and thrown into the cage of one of his creatures that was out of control. It took me, used me, and infected me,” I explained, leaving out the fact that I fell in love with him – it didn’t matter, because all I knew was that Jay was probably dead – the thought created a lump in my throat, which I didn’t clear; I wanted this man who could have reported and stopped this to hear my emotion. “And I want Rook.”

  Watching this man process the information I gave to him, I could see his thoughts appear and fade on his face: the horror, the sympathy, the guilt, the curiosity and eventually: fear. Still, he didn’t say a word. So, I got up from the chair and scooted it away to step closer.

  I just had to give Daniel a brief glance and he let go of the man, moving back and stepping behind me, maybe a little too close, but I ignored it. Instead, I leaned down to him and whispered into his ear: “You will die either way. The only choice you have is to die slowly or fast.”

  I straightened up again and watched the realization spread on his face, that quickly changed from horror to something close to acceptance. This expression was what got to me. This man knew what he was doing was wrong, he knew that there had been a chance that this day would come, which was something unexpected to me. He knew he was guilty and deserved what was coming to him. And I couldn’t cope with it.

  Threatening him was so easy, but I couldn’t go through with it. That’s when I felt a warm hand clasp around my wrist and pull me backwards, while Dan stepped in front of me, apparently changing back. His right hand still held my wrist and all I could do was stare at it. His grip wasn’t tight, but rather gentle and careful.

  “You heard the lady, what will it be?” he asked, and I couldn’t pull away my stare from his hand.

  It would need only a slight pull to free me from him, maybe an even gentler movement to have his palm connect with mine. Would he take my hand if I hesitated to retreat? I didn’t even hear what the scientist said.